The Small Moments

And they weren't even my boys

We went to the baseball banquet for Nathan's school tonight.  It was lovely with great food. 

The coaches all had wonderful things to say.  The varsity won the district championship in a close game last Friday night.  And now they are on to playoffs.  They have a good chance of getting to state this year.

There was a long slide show.  It was fun to see all the pictures.

But then came the senior boys' presentations.  Each boy took the microphone and read a letter that he had written to his parents.  I was crying by the end of the first boy.  Their speeches were so touching.  They were thanking their parents for all the time and money they had spent over the years.  They thanked them for being tough and supporting them.  And they all said they loved them numerous times.  Most of the boys cried as they were talking.  Most of the entire room was crying.

I was crying.  I don't even know these boys and I cried.  I cried because it was such a touching moment.  18 year-old boys...no men...were publicly expressing their love and thanks to their parents.  My heart was touched by these young men.  You could feel the love and sincerity in which they spoke to their parents.  I could imagine how proud their parents must have felt at that moment.  Those parents have raised amazing young men. 

It makes me feel good to know that all kids aren't troubled.   Not all kids come from bad homes.  And not all kids will end up dropping out of school and working minimum wage jobs.  There are good...no great...kids out there.  And that, more than anything else, makes my heart sing.

It's a start

Today we went to The Home Depot. 

We bought 4 energy star light bulbs.  You know the funny shaped bulbs that last for 10 years and only use a fraction of the energy that incandescent lights use.  Expect these bulbs have a plastic-like covering over them that make them look like normal bulbs.

We replaced the lights in our living room with them.  They offer great bright light after they warm-up.  I like it.  Now we will replace all the others.

Just doing our part to help the environment.  Even if you don't believe in global warming...you can at least use energy efficient products.  :)  (I do believe in global warming by the way.)

Oh...and Nathan said that I might get my beautiful wild cherry red washer and dryer for my birthday.  Happy Day!!!

Saturday morning

It is 5:33 CST on Saturday morning.

I should NEVER have to get up this early on a Saturday. 

But this morning I have cheer tryouts.  I am nervous.  I hope I have the multitude of dics, papers, and materials that we are requested to have.  I am nervous for my 21 girls.  It is funny how quickly I take ownership of the girls.  I have only worked with them for 3 days.  But I feel uniquely protective.  I want them to do well.  I am nervous for them.

Yesterday as we were giving last minute instructions and reminders one of the girls raised her hand.  She asked if the other coach and I were going to be there.  For just a moment it made me feel realize that they need us...me...I provide support and reassurance.  I have wiped away tears.  I have given hugs.

This morning I am sure I will wipe more tears, give more hugs, and offer more reassurance that they will be great.  I will pump them up and send them in.  I will hope for them.  I will feel relief for them.  I will feel elated for those who make it and my heart will break with those that do not make it.  I wonder if this is how I will feel when I am a parent.  It is amazing how much being a teacher and a coach parallels being a parent.

In a few hours...

It will be Saturday morning.  Cheerleader tryouts.

We have been working hard all week.  Things are ready.  Tomorrow morning I arrive at the tryout site at 6:45.  I am nervous for the girls.  21 are trying out.  14 for 8th grade and 7 for 7th grade.

I am going to miss them. 

In a few hours my role as cheer coach will be over.

I am unexpectedly sad.

Moving Forward

In the last 8 or 9 months almost every plan that I made has changed at least once...maybe twice...and a few even three times.  Maybe one day I will quit making long term plans and just live.  Maybe.

The plan was for me to be resigning right now.  We were going to be pregnant and I was going to be working at the family business.  Now I am not pregnant and I am staying for another year of teaching.

Today my teaching partner told me she had accepted another job in a really great school district in the metroplex.  It is an amazing opportunity and I am thrilled for her.  I am sad to see her go.  We aren't too much alike but somehow we fit well together.  She is so calm and laid back about things.  I am quite high strung and not so calm.  But we are both flexible.  We have found our rhythm and I feel that we work well together.  We also became better friends this year.  We have both shared serious parts of our lives.  She always knows the right thing to say.  I will miss teaching with her.

A few days ago my other friend at school told me that she had accepted another job as well.  I am really sad she is leaving too.  She is the one person at that school who completely GETS me.  We are much more alike in things.  But she too has this amazing opportunity and I fully support her in her decision.

The next few weeks I will see even more people get jobs and leave for a new adventure. 

So how does this all relate to my plans?  I don't know.  Last year I did not want to come back to this school for another year.  Last year was horrible.  But nothing worked out and I was back.  Then I took up cheerleading.  I felt like I had my answer for why I needed to stay.  My work at my current school wasn't finished.  I had a purpose and an important job to fill.  So I wonder what my new purpose is.  I wonder why everything has fallen into place for me to stay for another year.  Only time will tell.

But I am moving forward.  Day by day.  My plans have changed.  But I am okay with that.  I feel like a promise of something important is hiding just over the hill of tomorrow.  One day that hidden fact will appear and everything will make sense.  And I will embrace it and fill my place.  I too will move forward.

I cannot wait!

I am a Harry Potter FREAK!  I saw the International Trailer for the first time this afternoon.  I am so excited I started jumping in my chair and clapping!  I am such a freak!  And I don't care because I LOVE IT!  The movie comes out in July followed a week later by the last book.  This is going to be the best summer EVER!!!

The Dallas Farmer's Market

This morning we went to the Dallas Farmer's Market.  Surprisingly I have never been.  I have lived 95% of my adult life in the Dallas area and I have never been to the market.  After one trip I know that I cannot live without it!

It was amazing.  Flowers as far as the eye could see.  The freshest fruits and vegetables lined the tables.  I was so excited I barely knew where to start.  First we just walked and took it all in.  Then we started buying.

For $19 here is what we bought.  Mushrooms, grapes, zucchini, cucumbers, strawberries, red and white new potatoes, cherry tomatoes, and 20 farm fresh eggs!  Here is a picture.  There is a ton of stuff...for under $20!

And the best part is that it is noticeably fresher than what you can get in the produce department.  The strawberries are AMAZING!  They are the sweetest strawberries I have ever had this early in the season.  And now I wish we had bought more than one basket. 

The other thing that I was very excited about was the farm fresh eggs.  20 for $3.00.  Not a bad deal if you ask me.  I hard boiled some for egg salad for our sandwiches for the next couple of days.  The were heavier than store eggs.  And I sampled a taste of the mashed up eggs and it was amazing the difference in flavor and texture.  It was subtle...but amazing none the less. 

How could I have missed out on this wonderful part of Dallas for the last 29 years?!?!  This is going to become a monthly trip for me...maybe more if I can convince Nathan it is worth it.  It is worth the trip to downtown Dallas to get food like this.  Next trip I plan to buy some flowers for the beds and for the back porch. 

I missed my blog!

My self-imposed Internet hiatus is finally over.  Here is what I discovered during my time away.

1.  Cutting out TV did not happen for us.  We did limit the amount of TV we watched which was a BIG improvement.  So in all I was happy.

2.  I successfully cut out all my Internet time except for school work.  I did break down on Friday and finally email Carole.  At this time in life email is really all that connects us and I missed our emails.  But I did make it until Friday.  I had two very tiny moments of failure.  Saturday for about 10 minutes and earlier today for about 15 minutes.  But compared to my 3+ hours a day online that is nothing!

3.  Nathan and I did spend more quality time together.  We did talk more.  We even ate dinner at the table instead of in front of the TV.  That was a nice change.

4.  Monday afternoon when I got home from work and Nathan asked if I had heard the news.  Of course I didn't hear the news.  For one thing I was working.  For the second I hadn't been on the Internet at all that day.  I was horrified to hear the VT shooting news.  It felt weird to not know of such a major event.  I realized how much I rely on knowing current events.  Not just for me but because I am in charge of 170 pre-teens every day.  For many of those children I am a stable adult.  They rely on me like many would rely on a parent.  I am not trying to say I am the most important adult in their lives...or even the only adult.  But teachers play a unique role in the lives of children.  They come to us with concerns.  The worry openly and often about things in the world around them.  They look to us for understand and for assurances.  They want to know why.  They want to know that they are safe.  While I know that most of the time there are not answers to many of their questions, we can talk about it and I can help them work through it.  It would be hard at this point to cut myself off from all news media.

5.  I missed MISSED my blog!  I didn't realize how important my blog had become for me.  It is truly my online journal.  I realized that it doesn't matter if no one reads my blog or if thousands read my blog.  I blog for me.  It is the first form of journaling that I ever stuck with.  It is my outlet.  Without my blog I did write in my non-digital journal more, but it was so slow and my hand would start cramping and I couldn't delete sentences that didn't sound write or tweak my thoughts as easily.  I much prefer my digital journal.

6.  I found plenty of things to fill my time.  I thought for sure I would be wandering around my house aimlessly feeling bored and wishing for my computer.  That didn't happen at all.  I took longer baths.  I went to bed earlier.  I sat on my back porch.  I did some needlework that I have been needing to work on.  I went on my walks.  I went to a baby shower (more on that in another post).

7.  I was surprised at how easy it was to give up my blog reading and email sending ways.  After the first day I would only think about it fleetingly.  Mainly I wished for the Internet when I wanted to look something up.

8.  I was surprised at how much time I waste on the computer.  And I do mean waste.  I am not doing anything productive.  I felt good about doing other things that I wanted to do but didn't think I had the time.  I did have the time...I just had to cut out the wasted time.

9.  I also did more self-searching during the week.  I realized that mindless computer wandering was a way in which I avoided things.  If I was upset or angry or frustrated or irritated or just plain bored I would turn to my computer.  This week I didn't have that option.  I realized that the computer had become an unhealthy escape for me.  This I feel was my most important discovery of the week.

10.  I will not give up my computer world.  I love it too much.  But I am going to be non-work related computer free at least 2 nights a week.  I am going to do less mindless wandering and use the computer as a resource.  I know it will be a hard habit to change...but I think it is worth it.

Overall I am pleased with my success of this week.  I reached my goal of tuning in more with my husband and my life.  I consider this week a soul success!

Turning it off and tuning out

I have a blog friend.  I don't know her at all.  I have commented on her blog a handful of times.  But every day I click the link my "My Favorites" and her site pops up.  It is one of my very favorite blogs.  And even though I don't know her...I feel like I do.

Tonight I clicked on my link and found this post.

My heart started racing at the possibilities.  Could I turn off media for a week?  I live for the Internet.  I blog.  I surf.  I email!  But then I wondered if I could get my husband to join in.  I beg him regularly to turn of the TV.  So I jumped up from my computer and practically skipped into the bedroom.   There sat my loving husband  with the laptop in his lap and  baseball on the TV.  I made him bring up Andrea's site.  He read the post.  He was hesitant.  I mean...how could I possibly ask him to live without Sport Television for and entire week.

But I wasn't going to be put off that easily.  So I started negotiating.  My goal is to get us to turn off and tune out more...so why not modify Andrea's goal a little.  My brain was on overdrive.  I had to sell this to my husband.  So I started negotiating.

Here is our much modified goal.

1.  He has agreed to 3 days without TV and Internet.  Only school related computer usage is allowed on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday of this week.
2.  We are not cutting out reading.  Andrea's goal is to be more creative.  My goal...I mean our goal...is to spend less time with TV and Internet.  I want to encourage our meager reading habits.
3.  No TV Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday of this week.

This may not seem like much...but this is a monumental moment for us.  For me it is a small victory.  My long term goal is that we have 2 or 3 regular nights a week in which the TV and computer are not on.  We can talk.  We can go on walks together.  We can work on that puzzle we bought on our honeymoon.  We can enjoy our patio furniture.  We can clue back in to each other.  I am very excited at the prospects!

As for me I am going to cut out more than just 3 days of TV and Internet.

1.  On Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I will have no TV or Internet.
2.  Since the Internet is my biggest vice I am going to cut out all non-school related Internet time for one week.  Saturday and Sunday will be killers.  But I can do this...I think.

I waste too much time with the TV and Internet.  TV will be easy for me to cut out.  I care very little about the shows that we watch.  But the Internet....oh....the siren call of the Internet is much too alluring.

So.  I am off for a week.  Next Sunday night I will post about my week.  Wish me luck!  :)

Nathan

It finally happened today.

We were walking into Target to buy a baby gift for my friend at work.  We were walking pass this couple and they had a very cute little girl.  Mom was busy putting bags in the back of the SUV.  You could tell they were in quiet a hurry.  Then Dad scooped up the little girl.  He said something loving to her and kind of hugged her as he picked her up to put her in the SUV.

It was that moment when Nathan said it.  "I need a baby."  It was kinda quiet and just a simple little statement.  I say that statement ALL the time, pretty much whenever I see a baby.  But Nathan has never said it.  But he did today.  I felt happy little butterflies in my stomach. 

Nathan has always wanted children.  He is as ready as me.  But until today he has never voiced it so spontaneously.