The Small Moments

Nathan

It finally happened today.

We were walking into Target to buy a baby gift for my friend at work.  We were walking pass this couple and they had a very cute little girl.  Mom was busy putting bags in the back of the SUV.  You could tell they were in quiet a hurry.  Then Dad scooped up the little girl.  He said something loving to her and kind of hugged her as he picked her up to put her in the SUV.

It was that moment when Nathan said it.  "I need a baby."  It was kinda quiet and just a simple little statement.  I say that statement ALL the time, pretty much whenever I see a baby.  But Nathan has never said it.  But he did today.  I felt happy little butterflies in my stomach. 

Nathan has always wanted children.  He is as ready as me.  But until today he has never voiced it so spontaneously. 

New Magazine

At the last Southern Living Party that my mom had at her house (it was really my Aunt's party, but mom offered her house) mom ordered me a magazine!  She is the most awesome mom!

She bought me a subscription to Parenting.  Friday my first issue came in the mail...or maybe Thursday.  I don't really know because Nathan forgets to tell me when I get magazines in the mail.  So when I discovered it I was thrilled.  I have completely read the whole magazine cover to cover.

Now it is quite obvious that we aren't parents yet or even parents-to-be.  But I don't care.  Babies dominate my thoughts.  I talk about babies WAY too much.  So having a parenting magazine will give me an outlet for my obsession without irritating other people too much.  And we already found some useful information to use.  They had a section about finances in this issue and gave lots of websites to visit.  We went to one that calculates how long it will take to pay off your debt given your specific circumstances.  You enter in all the information and they give you a plan and a time line.  It was great.  I tend to get overwhelmed and frustrated that the balances are diminishing as fast as I wish they would.  But seeing a time line and an approximate date of payoff made me realize that we are in great shape.

And I found some great stuff that I can store away in my brain.  And as most of our friends have kids I can remember little things to share with them.  Oh I do love magazines!

I dealt with that...didn't I?

Today another friend announced her pregnancy.  7 weeks in.  She went to the doctor yesterday and I suspected that was the reason...I knew that she had been trying. I was so happy for her...and even now I still am.  Who wouldn't be happy when a friend finds out good news?  I don't think she reads my blog...but if by chance she one day happens along and reads this post I want her to understand that what I am going to write next has nothing to do with her specifically...but with me.  And I am truly, VERY happy for her!

But in the wave following the excitement my throat closed up and my eyes filled with tears.  We joked last fall that maybe we would be pregnant together in the spring.  She is pregnant.  I am not.

I thought I had dealt with this.  We made a decision to wait until late summer so I could teach one more year and we could be debt free.  I can make much more money teaching than I can working for my mom and dad.  We decided this was for the best.  We had tried for several months to get pregnant only to realize that I wasn't ovulating.  We went through tears (on my part), pee tests, and blood tests.  It was all just too stressful.  So we decided to put it off.  It was decided.  I came to terms with it.  I was content.

But maybe I didn't.  Maybe I am not.  Maybe I just pushed it all down deep and told myself that it was all for the best and I was content.  But the hot tears stinging my eyes.  My rush to keep them in.  My need to push on and teach my class.  Of course today's lesson was about Asexual and Sexual Reproduction.  Timely lesson indeed. 

What is right?  What is best?  The line between those things and what I want is so blurry sometimes. 

I am excited for my friend.  Our other friend is at 34 weeks.  She is having a boy.  I am very excited for her too.  Next Thursday is her shower. 

But deep inside of me there is a tiny little part that wishes it was me.  That wants it to be me.  So tonight I walked.  I listened to the weekly Harry Potter podcast and the speculation of the newly released covers.  I retreated from all thought of babies.  I walked hard.  I didn't think.  I didn't deal.  I just pushed it down again.  I think I realized that it really won't be okay until it IS my turn.  So for now the best I can do is just push it down and move forward.

Negative

The blood test came back negative.  We are not pregnant.  My weird symptoms and strange feelings are nothing...nothing at all.

I accept it.  I don't feel sad really.  I feel relieved that I can dope myself on medicine and get over this horrible sickness that has kept me home for 2 days.

And so we will try again...next time.

Blood

They took my blood today.

She said that the results will be back tomorrow.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.

On Valentine's Day we will find out if we are pregnant or not.

The Belly Book

Tonight we went to eat at the Flying Fish.  It is at the mall.  So while we were there we went over to Barnes and Noble so I could pre-order my copy of the 7th Harry Potter book, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows".  Of course I can't go to Barnes and Noble and not browse.  I know right where the pregnancy section is and I found a new book that I HAVE to have!

The Belly Book is the cutest journal I have ever seen.  It has the 3 trimesters split into different sections.  There are places for photos of your growing belly week by week and well as tons of writing ideas.  We don't know if we are pregnant yet so I didn't buy the book tonight.  But I did make sure that Nathan saw it and knew right where to find it.  He said that it would make a perfect Valentine's present.  I agree!  So now we just have to get pregnant so I can write in it.  But I can keep it safe until that happens!

Oh well...

No baby this month.

For the first time since I stopped the pill I feel disappointed.  I didn't really think we would get pregnant in August, or September, October, November, or even December.  I was hopeful.  I would get excited if my cycle was long.  But I never expected it.

But this month felt different.  I felt positive and optimistic about this month.

Oh well...

Diapers

I like to know stuff.  I think that research is fun.  I enjoy being an informed consumer and I like to know my options.  This really only extends to things that currently interest me.  For example, I have never really researched so say...sports history.  The current things that interest me pertain to babies.  We aren't pregnant yet (although if my head sickness doesn't mess things up this month like it did 2 months ago we might have a chance...), but what better way to fill my time with research about all things baby?

I really can't think of anything better.

And I do have lots of time right now with exams.  I am finished with my grades so I am free to research baby things as much as I want.  My latest craze...DIAPERS!

Now I know most people are thinking..."Diapers?!?!  What is there to research?"

Well my friends, there is lots to research.  According to my brother I am one of those "weird" people.  You know the kind.  The kind that choose something other than what EVERYONE else in the world chooses.  For instance, we are choosing a birth center over a hospital and natural birth over medicated birth.  So I am pretty sure I want to go with cloth diapers instead of disposable. Now before you condemn my as completely crazy, hear me out.

It really is cheaper in the long run.  And it is better for the environment and better for baby.  And after 2 days of reading and researching I am convinced that it won't be that hard to get used to.  It just isn't a piece of cloth draped over baby!  There are 3 choices...prefolds, all-in-one, or all-in-two.  Prefolds are the ones you are probably familiar with.  They are the least expensive and the ones I will probably use at home.  The all-in-ones are amazing!  They are just like disposable diapers...just cloth.  Those will be excellent for grandparents, uncles (Bob!!!), aunts, cousins, friends, and anyone else who isn't me or Nathan.  I am really excited about the possibilities.

And the cleanup isn't bad either.  I bet you didn't know that you are supposed to dump the poo out of the disposable diapers.  Huh??!?!  Did you know that?  I hadn't ever thought about it.  But if you leave it in the diaper it goes to the land fill where human waste isn't supposed to go.  It can leach into the water table and contaminate the water.  BAD!!!  You are supposed to dump all "waste" down the potty so it can be treated at the water treatment plant.  They even make these little sprayers to spray the diaper off so you don't have to touch it.  Pretty cool I think.

If you want to read more here is a great link that has TONS of information.