Denial is a powerful thing. It is easy to deny things and continue through life happy in your denial. But then one day your happy little world of denial slams head on into a large brick wall. It is here when you face the truth. But denial doesn't end until you actually accept the truth. Sometimes you can just pick up those pieces and go around the brick wall and continue down the street of denial. But sometimes there is no way around the brick wall. Some people call it rock bottom. Others call it a turning point. It is at this point when you must accept the facts and find a change or forever be stuck behind the wall.
My entire life I have struggled with my weight. As a child I was active. We played out side. We rode our bikes and scooters. We swam. We were healthy, in shape little people. But even then I was never the skinniest person in my class. I always felt a little chunky or plump or whatever word you wish to use. Then in 4th grade my mom and grandmother sat me down to have the "talk"....the one where they told me I would have to start wearing a bra. A BRA!!! In 4th grade. I was THE ONLY 4th grader who had to wear a bra. In 5th grade I had friends that wore them because it was fun, not because they needed to. In 4th grade I could still hide under sweat shirts and not wear a bra....no such luck by 5th grade. It only progressed from there.
My weight has fluctuated throughout my 29 years of life. I have been a member of various gyms. I have tried various programs and diets. But I was never committed to the life change those things required. But over the last 5 years my weight has steadily increased. First it was a depression issue and I sought comfort with food. Then it was a medication issue that treated the depression. Now...it is flat out a lazy issue. For the last 2 years I have been coming closer and closer to the big brick wall. (The one that requires me to change something because there is no way around that wall.)
I currently weigh more than I have ever weighed in my life. I avoid mirrors. I won't look at photographs with me in it. I am embarrassed and ashamed of where I am. I don't like to discuss it. I don't like to think about it. And overall I have lived in denial.
My collision with the big brick wall has been slow and torturous. It has been progressive. And finally I accepted the truth one night. I probably scared my poor husband out of his mind. I rolled over in bed and said, "Nathan...I am not happy and I need to talk about it." I am sure his heart stopped at that moment. I quickly realized how bad that sounded and moved forward with my problem. I complain to him regularly about being fat. He is a loving and good husband and says that I am not. And honestly, my husband loves me for me and I don't think he even pays attention to other things. But I sadly pointed out that it is summer in Texas and they are working on our neighborhood pool. And he will want to go and there is no way that I would ever put on a bathing suit at this point and go to the pool with him. That kills me to miss out on summer and spending time having fun with my husband.
But there is an even larger motivator right now. Children. We aren't pregnant yet, but we hope to be by the end of the year. I want to have natural child birth at a birth center. At this point I am in no shape to give birth naturally to a baby. My abdominal and lower back muscles are so weak it would take forever to push out a baby naturally. And my flexibility has slowly decreased over the last 5 years. My left hip flexor always cramps when I try to stretch it. That isn't the biggest part of my motivation though. The thing that is motivating me more than anything else is the fear of having children who grow up to be out of shape and overweight.
I NEVER want my child to experience the pain and frustration of being overweight. I don't want them to have eating disorders, whether it is overeating or anorexia. I want good choices to be a natural part of their lives. But to make good choices, those choices have to be modeled.
I have worked diligently to improve my mental and emotional self over the last 10 years. I have one more piece of the puzzle to make it complete. Now it is time to focus on my physical self. I am beyond ready.
Tuesday we joined LA Fitness. Yes, I know...another gym. But like I said. I am ready. This time is different. Today we met with trainers for our complementary consultation. For the first time I had a trainer explain to me why the way I was doing things had never worked in the past. It was all scientifically sound and suddenly I realized how I had been setting myself up for failure all those other times. I would work out for awhile and see changes. The I would hit a plateau and could not keep getting changes and I would get frustrated and quit. He showed me numbers...time frames...and for the first time in my life offered me a real plan and solution. I start tomorrow with a trainer.
To pay for a trainer Nathan said I had to give up my Cherry Red Washer and Dryer. He was going to get them for me in August for my 30th birthday. I readily agreed. He knew I was serious at that point. I will gladly put off getting my washer and dryer to reach my goal. Then there was my body fat percentage. While I am ready to share my struggle with my blog friends, I am not ready to share that number with you yet. Needless to say Nathan was shocked. I wasn't. He told me he honestly didn't expect that and was very worried to say the least.
I have my support in place. Nathan and a trainer. And I know that many of you that read my blog will support me as well. That is part of the reason why I am sharing this very private and emotional journey. I will be sharing my journey over the next months, the good and the bad.
I feel good. I feel a high that I haven't felt before. I feel like I am finally taking control of this last part of my life where I have constantly failed. If I gave up my blog and the Internet for a week...surely I can make this commitment. I refuse to remain stuck behind my big brick wall for the rest of my life. Tomorrow I pull out my hammer and begin to chip away at that wall. One day the wall will be gone and I will be free.
